“I don’t know if what happened to me was actually abuse.”
My client looked down as she said this.
We had been talking about her childhood and some of the experiences she was still carrying into adulthood. She described being criticized, controlled, and frequently made responsible for her parents’ emotions. She had spent years believing that this was simply what happened in families.
“Everyone in my family went through things,” she told me. “It wasn’t like I was the only one.”
I hear versions of this conversation often when working with Latino clients who are trying to understand trauma and abuse.
Sometimes the first step in healing isn’t processing the trauma.
It’s recognizing that what happened was traumatic in the first place.
And for some Latino clients, culture, family expectations, immigration experiences, religion, gender roles, and ideas about loyalty and respect can make that recognition complicated.
This isn’t because Latino culture causes trauma or abuse. Latino communities are incredibly diverse, and culture can also be a tremendous source of strength, connection, identity, and resilience.
But culture can influence how we understand what happened to us, whether we feel permitted to talk about it, and whether we feel safe seeking help.
“That’s Just How Families Are”
One of the first things I often explore with clients is how they learned to define abuse.
A client may tell me:
“My mom was really strict, but that’s just how she was.”
“My dad yelled a lot, but he worked hard for us.”
“My partner was jealous because he loved me.”
“My family didn’t talk about feelings.”
“My parents hit me, but they were raised that way too.”
These statements can contain a lot of truth. Someone’s parents may have experienced trauma themselves. They may have grown up with very different ideas about discipline, parenting, relationships, or emotional expression.
Understanding that history can help us develop compassion.
But understanding why someone hurt you does not mean what happened wasn’t harmful.
Sometimes clients have spent so much time explaining another person’s behavior that they haven’t had an opportunity to acknowledge their own experience.
I might ask: “If someone you loved told you this happened to them, what would you call it?”
That question can open a door. Because sometimes it is easier to recognize abuse when we aren’t the ones who experienced it.
When Family Loyalty Makes Trauma Hard to Name
Family can be incredibly important within Latino cultures. Familismo—the importance placed on family relationships, loyalty, and interconnectedness—can be a meaningful source of support and belonging.
But for someone who has experienced abuse within their family, those same values can become complicated.
You may have learned:
- Don’t disrespect your parents.
- Family stays together.
- You don’t talk about family problems outside the home.
- What happens in the family stays in the family.
- You owe your parents because they sacrificed for you.
- You should forgive.
- You shouldn’t make the family look bad.
- Family comes first.
So what happens when the person who hurt you is also someone you love?
This is where I often see clients become stuck.
They may think:
- “If I acknowledge that my mother abused me, am I betraying her?”
- “If I don’t want contact with my father, does that make me a bad daughter?”
- “If I tell someone what happened, am I bringing shame to my family?”
These questions can make trauma incredibly difficult to process.
My role isn’t to tell a client what they should feel about their family. Instead, I help them make room for the complexity.
You can love someone and acknowledge that they hurt you. You can understand someone’s history and still hold them accountable. You can appreciate the sacrifices your parents made and recognize the ways they harmed you.
Two things can be true at the same time.
The Impact of Gender Roles and Machismo
Gender expectations can also affect how trauma and abuse are understood.
Some Latina clients I work with have learned that being a “good woman” means being self-sacrificing, nurturing, loyal, patient, and accommodating. Some have learned to prioritize their partner, children, parents, or extended family before themselves. Others have experienced expectations around machismo, obedience, or traditional gender roles that make it difficult to challenge controlling behavior.
A partner may monitor where you go, who you talk to, what you wear, or how you spend money. And instead of recognizing those behaviors as controlling, you may have been taught to interpret them as:
“He cares about me.”
“That’s just how men are.”
“I need to be more understanding.”
But control is still control.
The challenge isn’t simply identifying the behavior. It is also creating enough safety and self-trust for someone to believe that they are allowed to call it what it is.
Why Getting Help Can Feel So Difficult
Even after someone recognizes that they may have experienced trauma or abuse, there can be significant barriers to getting help.
And the statistics reflect this.
A 2023 KFF survey found that among adults reporting fair or poor mental health, 36% of Hispanic adults said they had received mental health services in the previous three years, compared with 50% of White adults. (KFF)
Hispanic adults also reported specific barriers. Among those who believed they needed mental health care but didn’t try to find a provider, 30% said they were afraid or embarrassed to seek care, compared with 18% of White adults. Another 24% said they didn’t know how to find a provider, compared with 11% of White adults. (KFF)
There can also be practical barriers:
- Cost
- Lack of insurance
- Work schedules
- Childcare
- Transportation
- Language barriers
- Limited availability of culturally responsive therapists
- Concerns about confidentiality
- Fear of being judged
- Immigration-related concerns
- Not knowing what therapy is actually supposed to be like
And there is another barrier that I think is particularly important:
“What if the therapist doesn’t understand my family?”
That is a legitimate concern.
If you’ve spent your entire life navigating cultural expectations, family roles, immigration experiences, or being caught between two cultures, you shouldn’t have to spend your therapy sessions convincing your therapist that those experiences matter.
Sometimes Trauma Treatment Can Feel Like Another Cultural Conflict
Once a client begins therapy, another challenge can emerge: We may identify a pattern that has helped them survive but is now causing pain.
- Maybe they learned to stay quiet to avoid conflict.
- Maybe they learned to say yes even when they wanted to say no.
- Maybe they became responsible for everyone’s emotions.
- Maybe they learned that asking for help was selfish.
- Maybe they became incredibly good at taking care of everyone except themselves.
In trauma treatment, we may eventually ask: “What would it look like to do something different?”
And that can feel frightening, because setting a boundary with a parent isn’t simply setting a boundary. It may feel like disrespect.
Saying no to a family member may feel like rejection. Choosing yourself may feel selfish.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship may feel like abandoning your family. Speaking about abuse may feel like exposing a family secret.
This is why I don’t approach trauma treatment by simply telling clients, “You need to set boundaries.”
We first have to understand what boundaries mean to them.
How We Can Begin Overcoming These Barriers
In therapy, I often start much slower than clients expect.
We don’t have to immediately tell the entire story. We can start by developing language for what happened.
We can talk about the difference between respect and obedience, forgiveness and reconciliation, family loyalty and self-abandonment.
We can explore what your culture has given you that you want to keep—and what expectations you may want to reconsider.
We can also identify the beliefs that developed around the trauma:
“It was my fault.”
“I should have stopped it.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people had it worse.”
“I need to get over it.”
Then we can begin asking:
“Where did I learn that?”
And perhaps more importantly:
“Do I still want to believe it?”
For some clients, healing may also mean finding a therapist who understands their cultural background or is willing to learn about it rather than making assumptions.
Culturally responsive therapy doesn’t mean assuming every Latino client has the same experience.
It means being curious. It means asking what family means to you.
It means understanding that your cultural identity may be part of both the wound and the healing.
It means making space for the strengths that already exist in your culture—family connection, community, spirituality, perseverance, humor, traditions, and resilience—while also making room for new ways of relating.
You Don’t Have to Choose Between Your Culture and Your Healing
One of the most important things I want my clients to know is that healing doesn’t require you to reject where you come from.
You don’t have to stop loving your family.
You don’t have to stop speaking Spanish.
You don’t have to reject your traditions.
You don’t have to stop being close to the people you love.
And you don’t have to forgive someone before you’re ready.
Healing can mean creating a relationship with your culture and your family that feels intentional rather than automatic.
It can mean deciding which values you want to carry forward and which patterns you want to leave behind.
It can mean learning that protecting yourself isn’t disrespectful.
And it can mean finally giving yourself permission to say:
“What happened to me mattered.”
For many of my Latino clients, that recognition becomes an important turning point. We aren’t erasing their family history or their culture. We’re creating space for their story to become larger than what happened to them.
If You’re Ready to Begin Healing
If you’ve spent years minimizing what happened, protecting your family, carrying guilt, or wondering whether your experiences were “bad enough” to count as trauma, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
At Willow & Sage Counseling, I work with adults navigating trauma, abuse, family dynamics, cultural expectations, and the complicated experience of being caught between who you’ve been taught to be and who you want to become.
You don’t have to choose between honoring where you come from and taking care of yourself.
If you’re ready to understand your experiences, reconnect with yourself, and begin healing from trauma or abuse, I invite you to reach out to learn more about therapy.
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