Willow & Sage Counseling

Over the past few weeks, I’ve somehow become the unofficial anthropologist of “female independence,” simply because the topic keeps popping up everywhere—from my therapy office to a friend’s kitchen table over a very intense game of mahjong. It all started with two clients—both women—who told me that, while dating, they often feel compelled to chip in financially. One said she felt uncomfortable letting the man always pay, and the other said it just felt wrong to let him cover everything. As we talked more, it became clear that both women felt the need to demonstrate their independence, and apparently splitting the check has become the modern-day feminist arm-wrestle, as if accepting free tacos meant surrendering her autonomy.

At first, I thought this might just be a quirky coincidence. Then, during mahjong (where the tiles were attacking me personally that day), a friend brought up the exact same topic: women paying for dates as a way to assert independence. At that point, I had to pause the game—not because I was losing horribly, though that was definitely happening—and really think about what’s going on here. Was this genuinely about empowerment? Or had Zelle become the new emotional barometer of feminism?

Historically speaking, financial independence has long been tied to autonomy. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that women had to bring a man along just to apply for a credit card—imagine needing a chaperone to buy your own couch. So yes, being able to pay your own bills is a big deal.

In recent years, pop culture certainly reinforces the idea that financial freedom equals independence. Miley Cyrus proudly declared she can buy her own damn flowers while Beyoncé boosts women’s power in Run the World (Girls), though she still calls grown women “girls”—but I digress. Fifth Harmony practically slapped us across the face with Bo$$, complete with dollar signs to really drive the point home, just in case subtlety wasn’t your thing. In each of these songs, the idea of women’s independence is, in large part, equated to what they hold in their bank accounts.

What Does It Mean to Be Independent?

Those previous conversations really made me wonder: does paying for half a date really make you independent? Does the act of handing over your debit card at Del Frisco’s instantly crown you as a fully self-sufficient adult? Money can absolutely create freedom—it gives you choices, stability, and fewer nights crying over overdraft fees—but, after much contemplation, I realized that it’s not the full story.

True independence also requires psychological and emotional autonomy. You can make six figures, own property, and have your retirement plan color-coded by decade… and still crumble at the thought of disappointing someone. You can have a budget that’s on point and a robust emergency savings and still worry that you’re not good enough for that guy you’re dating. You can buy yourself flowers and still panic that they don’t match your vase. Without emotional resilience and psychological clarity, money becomes less of a foundation and more of a decorative throw pillow.

Emotional and Psychological Independence

Emotional independence means managing your feelings, coping with stress, and making decisions without fear or outside pressure bossing you around like an overbearing stage mom. It’s decision-making based on your values—not on what your cousin, your barista, or that one loudmouth on TikTok thinks you “should” do. It also means letting other people have their emotions without treating them like surprise homework assignments you’re responsible for. And it means facing challenges yourself instead of waiting for someone to swoop in and fix things like a human customer-service desk.

Psychological independence means understanding your values and boundaries so you’re not making major life decisions based solely on what your mother, your partner, or a random stranger on the internet named “HealingGoddess432” thinks you should do. It means actually using your own brain to think critically and independently, instead of outsourcing your moral compass to group chats and horoscope memes. It’s the ability to avoid being guilt-tripped, pressured, or Jedi-mind-tricked into choices that totally clash with your values. And it means being comfortable standing out—even when your decisions confuse your family, shock your friends, or disappoint that one aunt who always has opinions and zero boundaries.

And no paycheck—no matter how shiny—can buy those skills.

Money is incredibly useful, yes, but it cannot replace emotional maturity, healthy relationships, or knowing who you are. When financial independence joins forces with emotional and psychological independence, that’s when you get the real deal: freedom that comes from both the bank account and the brain. At the end of the day, money can open doors—but only emotional and psychological independence let you walk through them without tripping.