Willow & Sage Counseling

Anxiety is like the cookie monster. Yes, I do mean that little blue guy on Sesame Street who can pound down the chocolate chip cookies like the winner of the national hot dog eating contest! There are no amount of cookies that the Cookie monster will be satisfied with, and so the demand for those delicious treats is high, and constant.

Like any rational human being, if the Cookie Monster came to you and requested a cookie, you’d probably think, “Sure! What’s the harm?!” and give him a cookie. The Cookie Monster takes the cookie, might even say thank you, and walks away, satisfied with his prize. And for a while, you get your peace and quiet and can go about your day. No harm, no foul, right? But the Cookie Monster being the Cookie Monster, comes back and asks for another cookie. Now, this might be annoying, but you figure, “He went away the last time I gave him a cookie. He’ll probably leave me alone if I give him another one”. So, you give him another cookie. And guess what! It works! Phew, right?!

The problem is that he’s insatiable. The Cookie Monster doesn’t just want one cookie every once in a while. He wants ALL the cookies ALL the time. Soon, his requests for cookies become more frequent, and soon after that, the requests become demands. Without realizing it, you find yourself constantly giving the Cookie Monster cookies. Yes, he does leave you alone for a little while, but not long enough to allow you to be productive and stress free. And you think that one day he’ll have enough and go away forever. Except, he won’t ever have enough and you’ll be locked into this never ending loop, begging to be free of the madness!

At this point, you might think to yourself, “Well, why wouldn’t I just stop giving him cookies?”. That’s an excellent question! And it has a simple answer. The reason you can’t stop giving the Cookie Monster all the cookies he wants is because when you refuse, he throws an epic tantrum: throwing himself on the ground, kicking, screaming, yelling, maybe even cussing (not sweet little Cookie Monster!). This tantrum causes you to feel overwhelmed, panicked, helpless, and out of control. Think toddler meltdown in the middle of the produce section at your local grocery store. No amount of reasoning will work and all eyes are on you! 

That, my dear reader, is anxiety. It creeps in slowly, innocently even, and you find ways of dealing with it that seem equally as innocent. Sometimes it stops there and doesn’t cause much of an issue in your life. Other times, it becomes invasive, touching every part of your life, and leaving you feeling as though managing your anxiety is a full time job. If you resist, if you refuse to give into what anxiety wants, it rears its ugly head, and you feel more overwhelmed, more panicked, and more out of control. Giving in typically seems like the better option. At least in the moment, you find some relative peace. 

Let’s use a real life example. Let’s say you are invited to a concert to see your favorite band. Perhaps you’re excited because you’ve always wanted to see the band live. Maybe you even begin to daydream about them playing your favorite song. But then, anxiety hits, and you begin to have those feelings. You know the ones. The ones that make you feel like the world is crashing in on you and there’s no escape. Anxiety starts to convince you that it’s probably not a good idea to go. Maybe it tells you that it’ll be unsafe to go, or perhaps it tells you that you can’t go for other reasons, like you can’t afford to go or you don’t really like the people going. Either way, anxiety doesn’t want to go to the concert and is working overtime to convince you of the same. 

What happens if you listen to your anxiety?  Well, for starters, you’ll probably miss a fantastic concert. Bigger picture, you’ve essentially confirmed that anxiety is in control and because you gave it what it wanted this time, you’re more likely to give it what it wants the next time. “Ok” you’re thinking, “so maybe I don’t go to concerts. What’s the big deal? I can still live a full and happy life without concerts.” And you’re right! Though concerts are really awesome, they aren’t necessary to be happy. But remember, anxiety won’t be satisfied with just not attending concerts. It often wants more. First it’s a concert. Then maybe it moves on to movie theatres, or perhaps to crowded restaurants. Maybe you can no longer go to the grocery store because there are just too many people there. Perhaps anxiety starts to convince you that going to a family gathering would be a bad idea even though you love your family and don’t really have any real issue with them. Sooner or later, anxiety could essentially convince you that leaving your house all together and/or spending time with people outside of a few carefully selected friends or family members is too overwhelming or dangerous. And then one day, you wake up and ask yourself how you got here. 

The above seems extreme, right? And I’ll admit that it’s a bit hyperbolic. Not everyone with a fear of large groups of people ends up as a recluse. The exaggeration was used here to prove a point: you gave the Cookie Monster one little cookie, and over time, he took them all. So, what would happen if you didn’t listen to your anxiety, and didn’t give the cookie? Same invitation to the concert, same excitement, followed by the same anxiety and its associated emotions, only this time you decide to go. What then?  

Well, in the lead up to the concert, maybe while driving there, probably while there, anxiety will make itself known. Maybe it says, “Hi! I’m here!” by making you feel a general unease. Or maybe it’ll yell at you like, “WTF are you doing?!! Danger, Will Rogers, danger!!” And the concert may not be as exciting as you hoped, but you’re there and you do have a good time despite the anxiety. While leaving, or maybe once you get home, the anxiety you had been feeling starts to go away, and anxiety starts to say to itself, “That wasn’t too bad. I mean, I still don’t like crowds, but nothing bad happened. So, maybe big crowds aren’t as bad as I thought.” Does this mean that you’ll never have anxiety about big crowds again? No. That’s not what that means. However, it could mean that the next time you’re faced with a big crowd of people, you won’t be quite so reluctant to join in. With each subsequent time you engage with big crowds, anxiety gets quieter and quieter. The Cookie Monster finds someone else to get cookies from.

It’s at this point that I want to tell you that I’m not at all trying to simplify the fear of large crowds or any anxiety for that matter. It’s a very real thing and sometimes takes more than just patience and a positive attitude to manage. It can be debilitating and complicate seemingly easy tasks. Solutions aren’t always simple, and aren’t always easy to utilize. What I will also say is that avoiding whatever it is anxiety wants you to avoid (handing over the cookie) teaches your anxiety (Cookie Monster) that you have cookies to give and that it just needs to throw a tantrum large enough so you’ll hand over those cookies without much of a fight. Some anxiety doesn’t tantrum as loudly as others and can be relatively easier to say no to. Other anxiety is like the Godfather- you just can’t refuse it. If this is the type of anxiety you experience, and you’ve really been thinking about doing something about it, there is help. Anxiety won’t be happy about it and will definitely throw some tantrums. Yet, with professional help, it’s something you can learn to manage, to live with, or to ignore. 

So, tell the Cookie Monster to take a hike and find those cookies elsewhere! You don’t need him in your life!